What Really Matters...

It’s always been the same, like a badly written story where one human being stands against another. Some use fists to defend their truths; others are sharp of tongue. Each is reluctant to give up.

But does it really matter?

It’s a fact that a huge part of people living on this planet struggle to make their lives better. This is understandable. Each has their list of beliefs, deeply engraved on the innate side of their being. But from what I learned, if the life you have today is not yet the life of your dreams, then surely, the beliefs you’re guarding so much are simply not working for you.

For some reason, it’s in us to feel like defending ourselves against people’s thoughts, people’s words, people’s actions—in other words, against the world. In some cases, it’s what we need to do. If there is a bully, you kind of need to know how to defend yourself. Or if someone violates your human rights or tries to hurt you, for example. But our defending instinct grew way bigger than that.

Today, people use defensive instinct in almost every conversation they have.

I once heard a conversation between a couple of married people in a store. The wife was reaching for a big packet of white bread to add to the already full cart. Her husband nicely assumed that maybe they didn’t need to buy bread today since they already had plenty of frozen pizzas and pasta boxes in the cart. The wife turned on her defending instinct immediately. She demonstratively threw the packet of bread into the cart and acidly notified her husband that she was the one who cooked in their house, and therefore she knew better what they needed.

The notion that her husband could have saved some money in their family. But the wife chose to guard her belief that since she was the one who cooked, she was also the one to decide here, even though her decision was not the wisest. Her defensive instinct kicked in even though there was nothing really to defend. Her husband was not trying to take anything away from her. Besides, is it not too petty to ruin relationships and respect for your partner over a packet of white bread that more likely will be thrown out in a few days?

I can only imagine what this couple goes through every day, hitting the steel bars of defending instinct that seemingly is in charge of their lives.

You might think the example is ridiculous, but unfortunately, these things happen every day. Moreover, the wrong use of defending instinct is one of the main reasons why people break up, friendships end, and personal growth stops.

But…

Does it really matter to always be right, even if being right means losing good relationships, respect, peace, happiness, money after all? Do you know how many people came to you with information that could have changed your life forever? But instead of listening and taking it, all we do is turn on our defending instinct as if our very lives depend on it.

But what we defend really? Ironically, we defend the beliefs that never work for us. Why? I guess lack of awareness and openness is to blame.

If you see the world as a danger, obviously you will need your defending instinct, even in the most mundane things, like deciding whether to buy a packet of bread today. But is the world really as dangerous as we believe? Or the other question: does our belief that the world is dangerous make us better?

I personally think all it does is emotionally cripple us, turning our hearts into an impenetrable pack of ice, it makes us blinder to our feelings, and it definitely stops us from following the steps of personal evolution.

Now, does it really matter for you to be always right when the stakes are so high?

Is it better to be right or happy?

Just recently, I’ve learned this trick, which I use every time I feel like unleashing my defending instinct in the wrong place and time. It’s simple, and yet it’s a trick.

Each time you feel like defending yourself and you are not sure if it’s the right place and time for you to do this, imagine that you’re tired. You’re so tired that you cannot even move your tongue. Watch the person you talk to closely. Think, does it matter more to be right than to be happy and complete and peaceful? Is what this person tells you of any use for you? Maybe what this person has to say is exactly what you need to make your life better.

No one can take anything from you unless it’s never been yours.

Trying to defend your beliefs is not always a rational thing to do. Those beliefs that make you a better person and help you move your life for the best are not going anywhere. They are yours. And in most situations, those beliefs that are ours to the bone are not the same ones we feel like defending.