The Pain of Becoming: Why Discovering Your Individuality Isn’t Easy And How To Navigate It

Individualism has become a kind of compass in my life.

Because if I’m not myself, then who am I? A mask? A performance? A watered-down version of someone else? I’ve been all of those things. And I won’t sugarcoat it—it’s taken me a lifetime to rebuild myself from the ground up, just to begin understanding who I really am.

Everything they ever told me about myself was a lie, and I believed it. But isn't it tragic that so many of us grew up being handed lies about who we are, and we just... believed? They call us lazy. Untalented. Not womanly enough. Not manly enough. Individualism, to me, is the act of tearing those labels off and rediscovering the truth beneath them.

I still remember the look on my lit teacher’s face when she realized the poems I’d been reciting all year weren’t by obscure dead poets, but my own writing—crafted to sound like them. At that time it was easier for me to write something of my own and memorize it before class than to commit someone else’s work to memory.

She laughed through clenched teeth. “Do you really think you’re that smart?” she asked, right there in front of the class. “You’re simply incapable.” And maybe my poems weren’t great, but she did give me top marks for them, so... I guess it wasn't about my talent at all.

I don’t hold grudges, though. In some strange way, I even admired her. She didn’t know how to handle us—teenagers full of contradictions—but she knew her craft. She lived for literature, and I’ll always respect that.

Still, her words stuck with me. Like all the others.

And the only thing that has ever helped me shed those lies has been individualism. Because individualism is all about leaving all those lies they taught you about yourself behind and moving into the future of rediscovering yourself.

But first, let me tell you what I mean by individualism

Individualism is the core of being.

It centers on the moral worth, autonomy, and uniqueness of each person. It prioritizes your right to choose (your desires and your independence) over society’s demands, traditions, or collective expectations. It’s about self-expression, personal responsibility, and carving your own path even when that path leads you far from the norm.

Put simply, individualism is the truth and integrity of your being.

If you’re into spirituality, you might say it’s the truth of your creation. The real you, beneath the dust of other people’s expectations.

Individualism doesn’t chase perfection—it seeks truth. For me, it’s a path, a slow unfurling of who I really am. It’s not a religion that dictates how to live. It’s not a lesson with a teacher. Individualism is the choice to look inward, and everything that unfolds from there happens between you and yourself alone.

I believe individualism is the answer to many of the whys we carry as societies. And yes, it comes at a cost. At first, the price might seem too high. But in time, you realize it only ever stripped away the things that weren’t serving you to begin with.

And that trade? It’s more than worth it.

Difficulties on the way to becoming an individual

Choosing authenticity almost always means stepping away from social norms, expectations, or even relationships that no longer align with your truth. This can lead to loneliness, rejection, or a deep sense of disconnection from family, friends, or communities.

But here’s the good news: the transition doesn’t have to break you.

I’ve gathered some practical tools and mindset shifts that can help you make this journey toward your true self smoother and less daunting.

Social Isolation

Examples:

• Coming out in a conservative environment.
• Rejecting cultural or familial expectations (like career paths, religious beliefs, etc.)
• Setting boundaries with toxic people who once played central roles in your life

I’ve been socially isolated for around ten years (something I’ll write about in more detail another time), one way or another, long before I even discovered individualism or began to find my footing in this life, even if only mentally for now.

But looking back on it now, I can see the ways I could’ve made that stage easier on myself—things I didn’t know then but understand now.

Here's how to better navigate this:

• Seek out like-minded individuals:

There are incredible people out there—online, in support groups, or in communities built around shared passions. You might even find or build your chosen family among them.

But here’s the catch: sometimes, you’ll feel the pull to blend in, even with people who truly support you. That’s how you can quietly start losing your individuality again—by adapting too much, too quickly, even in safe spaces.

Yes, it’s possible to lose yourself even among those who wish you well. I've been there, I've done that, do not recommend...

That’s why it’s essential to pause, breathe, and gently bring your attention back to yourself from time to time. Stay rooted in your own energy. And you’ll be just fine.

• Practice solitude, not isolation:

​Learn to enjoy your own company and use solitude as a space for growth and reflection, rather than letting it harden into isolation. Barricading yourself away from everyone else because the world feels just too much and you can't handle it without feeling like you are drowning might be a temptation, and, well, in a way it can help in the beginning, but remember if you can only be yourself when there is no one around, then you're not yet yourself. 

As paradoxical as it may sound, individualism doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It reveals itself in relation to others—in how you show up, speak, set boundaries, connect, and stand your ground.

The goal isn’t to hide your truth—it’s to live it, even when others are watching.

During my “seeking” era, I was deep into meditation and especially drawn to Buddhism because I craved peace more than anything. At that time, even the smallest interaction with the outside world felt like the exact opposite of peace: overwhelming, draining, and chaotic, and naturally I was seeking a way to separate myself from all of that.

I remember a moment when I realized something truly important that at first broke me in a way but then gave me a direction. I was sitting on my mat after meditation, eyes still soft, and there was an image of the Buddha on the cover of my playlist. I looked at him and thought, well, sure, it must be easy to be a saint when you’re sitting on top of a mountain, far away from everything, just meditating all day.

And that was when it hit me: real life takes so much more skill, courage, and self-awareness.

That moment shifted something in me. I realized:

True happiness doesn’t lie in isolation. It’s not about escaping the world. It’s about finding your individuality in the thick of it all—in the chaos, in the mess, in the moments that test you.

That’s where real peace lives. Not in avoidance, but in full, conscious participation.

• Give time to transitions:

Some relationships might return or even heal once people begin to understand your choices better. Authenticity doesn’t always require a permanent severance from your past.

In fact, as I mentioned earlier, discovering your individuality means embracing every aspect of life—the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the difficult. You don’t have to burn every bridge. Sometimes, walking your own path brings clarity not just to you, but to those who once couldn’t see you clearly.

Misunderstanding or Misjudgment

Examples:

• Being perceived as “too emotional” when you express your feelings openly.
• Being labeled “difficult” or “non-conformist” for refusing to comply with social or workplace norms.
• Having your experiences or identity questioned or minimized.

How to navigate:

• Communicate with clarity:

​Speak your truth, but do it with compassion and patience when possible.

One thing that’s helped me communicate more clearly with others is learning to see the individual in them even when they don’t quite see it in themselves yet.

And when it feels like they just don’t get it, don’t shrink yourself. Don’t spiral into frustration. Instead, turn your attention inward and gently ask: Is it time for me to move on for now?

Individuality doesn’t crumble under other people’s perceptions. It sees those notions for what they are: separate, external, and ultimately irrelevant.

• Let go of needing universal approval:

Not everyone will understand your path, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong one.

Individualism means having an inner backbone so strong that nothing outside of you can break it. The rest? It’s just noise, background to your unfolding story—welcome to happen, but powerless to define you.

• Use storytelling and vulnerability:

Sharing your personal journey is always intimidating at first, but it can help you claim your rightful place and begin building genuine connections between yourself and the world around you.

Internal Conflict

Examples:

• Feeling guilty for disappointing people you love.
• Questioning your worth when it seems to you the world doesn't reflect your values.
• Struggling with imposter syndrome or shame for not being who others expected.

How to navigate:

• Cultivate self-awareness:

I find journaling deeply therapeutic. It allows me to dive as deeply into my reflections as I dare, and it teaches me to shift perspective, to be more self-aware, because often, the thoughts swirling in our heads look very different once they’re poured onto paper. Once on paper, things tend to get a lot more clear and real.

Journaling also encourages taking time for yourself to be mindful of your inner world, which helps immensely in staying grounded and authentic.

I always say, in moments of doubt, breathe and turn your attention inward. Then breathe some more.

• Accept imperfection:

Being an individual doesn’t mean you have it all figured out. You can live honestly while still learning, making mistakes, and growing. That shouldn’t feel contradictory.

• Learn to see opportunities for growth in inner conflicts:

Discomfort is essential when it comes to moving beyond old patterns. And the only thing you can do about it is just reframe it. Here's a phrase that I recently heard on the Internet, and it says:

You don't leave, you evolve out of people's lives.

See, it's all about perspective.

Final Thoughts

Individualism (living an authentic life) requires courage, because it asks you to prioritize truth over comfort. It’s a quiet rebellion against societal pressures to fit in, please, or perform. The journey can be lonely, painful, and messy. But it’s also one of deep liberation.

Navigating these challenges isn't about having perfect solutions—it’s about being committed to honoring yourself while staying open to connection, compassion, and learning.

Seek individuality in every challenge you face, and sooner or later you'll learn the miracles about who you truly are. Power. Beauty. And grace.